


Mr. Monk and Masturbation

by Assassin_J



Category: Monk (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Masturbation, Monk is a Virgin, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, One Shot, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Real News Event, Therapy Session, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-17 19:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2321279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_J/pseuds/Assassin_J
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monk is stressed. Dr. Kroger tries to prescribe a treatment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Monk and Masturbation

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, about a week after I wrote this, I saw the first episode of season seven. Then I was like :c

"So how've you been, Adrian?"

"Ahh, not good, Doc, not good at all. I'm up to my neck in work, and Natalie's being so fussy lately. Not to mention the recall."

"Recall?"

"You know, the wipe recall."

"I hadn't heard about that."

"It's been all over the news!  _Bacillus cereus_ in the wipes, the supposedly  **sterile** wipes! So of course I had to throw them all out, but I can't get new ones until Triad gets their act together! Who knows when that'll be!"

"You're taking this pretty hard."

"How am I supposed to take it? I might already be infected! This contamination's been going on for years before it came out publicly! But I can't go get tested because any hospital or doctor is probably using the same wipes; I might **get** infected just by trying to find out if I'm infected! No matter what I do, I can't... I can't take the stress!" Monk cradled his head in his hands, overwhelmed by the conundrum.

Dr. Kroger considered his next words carefully. "You know, Adrian, there is something you could try to relieve some of that stress."

"No pills!"

"I know, I know, no pills. I'm thinking of something you could **do** , rather than something you'd take."

"I've tried meditation, it didn't work at all!"

"No, not meditation. Masturbation."

His patient recoiled as if physically struck by the word. "Mas- That's... How can you even say that?!"

"I know it's taboo, but there's no sense ignoring the science. Masturbation is clinically proven to lower blood pressure and improve sleep, among other things."

"Ughh."

Dr. Kroger allowed the silence to stretch out. He'd known Monk would have trouble with the suggestion. Anyone would, really. But things were always harder for Monk.

Finally Monk spoke again, rushing the words out in an effort to finish the subject quickly so they could change topics. "I tried it once, didn't like it."

"You've only masturbated once?" Coming from anyone else this would obviously be a lie. But this was Adrian Monk. If he said once, it was the complete and accurate truth. Dr. Kroger believed him. If he'd said 578,239 times, he would have believed that too, for Monk had never been one to fudge numbers. 

"It was a long time ago, all right! I don't know what came over me! Some bizarre compulsion!"

This was a rare occurrence indeed for Dr. Kroger to hear Monk use the word "compulsion". "You shouldn't use that word, Adrian. It's perfectly natural."

"No, it's not!"

"What makes you say that?"

"It... it's not straight! It bends to one side a tiny bit!"

The doctor sighed.  _Of course. Natural human forms are never geometrical enough for him. God forbid he ever measures the length and finds out it's not ten inches._  He took a risk with his next question. "Did that bother Trudy as much as it bothers you?"

"Oh I'm sure it did, how could it not bother her?! She never mentioned it, of course, she was such an angel," Monk was nearly blubbering now. "But I'm sure that's why she never..." He trailed off.

"Are you saying..." Now this, Dr. Kroger had a hard time swallowing. "You two never... Not even once?"

Monk shook his head.

Dr. Kroger contemplated this newly-discovered wrinkle, pondered how it fit into the rest of his patient's already complex psyche. He loved his wife dearly, more than any other husband the doctor had met, but their marriage had remained unconsummated due to the man's pure obsessiveness over the slight curvature of his penis. And then she was taken from him so traumatically...

"So I'm not doing it! And- and even if it was straight! The end result is so unsanitary! I need a wipe just thinking of it. But I don't have any! So, end of discussion!"

Dr. Kroger tried another tactic. "I bet Harold masturbates all the time."

It didn't work. "I'm sure he does. That guy is a freak!"

**Author's Note:**

> [On Jan. 3, the Triad Group recalled all lots of alcohol prep pads and wipes, including many sold under the private labels of grocery stores such as Safeway and Kroger and drugstores such as Walgreens and CVS. The recall covered 975,922 cases of product containing hundreds of millions of individual items, according to FDA documents. The alcohol products are sold in Canada and Europe as well as the United States. The products were suspected of being contaminated with Bacillus cereus...](http://www.nbcnews.com/id/41914778/ns/health-infectious_diseases/t/colo-hospital-blew-whistle-contaminated-wipes/?ns/health-infectious_diseases/t/colo-hospital-blew-whistle-contaminated-wipes/)


End file.
